Sometimes after a divorce or separation that one parent moves in with their own parents.
What happens when the grandparents become violent while disciplining their grandchildren? Let's take a look at an example: Joe lives with his parents.
Jayden (12), William (9), Tessa (8) and Mark(5) are visiting their father.
Mark, pees in a vase.
The older children report the behavior to Joe and their grandfather.
Their grandfather becomes enraged and aggressively approaches Mark.
Jayden and William believe that he is going to hurt their little brother.
William steps in between his grandfather and Mark.
His grandfather slaps him across the face.
In seeing this, Jayden tries to push his grandfather away from his 2 younger brothers.
His grandfather turns and punches him in the eye.
The grandfather tells all of them to get out of his house.
Mark, only being 5, doesn't move fast enough so his grandfather grabs him by the throat (cutting off his oxygen), picks him up off of his feet and carries him out to the vehicle and throws him inside.
After arriving at Sarah's home, the children hysterically report what has happened.
She ends the visitation with Joe early, takes the children inside and calls the police.
The police take statements from all the people involved and come to the conclusion that the incident does not qualify as assault or child abuse according to their state's laws.
So what now? It becomes a parenting issue.
After the emotional highs have come down, the kids have been reassured of their safety and it has been determined that the children will not being going back to the grandparent's home for visits, it's now time for Sarah to take a step back and evaluate the situation at hand.
Let's start with what conclusions the children have come to from this Decision Forming Incident.
1.
Their grandfather is mean.
2.
Their grandfather is violent.
3.
If they want to be like their grandfather, they must be violent.
4.
Their grandfather says that he loves them so love equals violence.
5.
The only way to solve a problem is through violence.
6.
Their father approves of this violence because he didn't protect them.
7.
It's OK for family members to hurt them.
8.
The police don't protect them.
9.
They are helpless and powerless.
10.
They are non-people.
All of these conclusions form what is called a Decision Forming Incident.
A Decision Forming Incident is a specific moment in time where we experience pain, loss or unconsciousness or the threat of one of those three things.
In these moments, we are thrown in to fear where our logical mind shuts off and we make various decisions about ourselves, life and others.
We completely believe these fear-based thoughts are true and we start to develop a limiting belief system.
What can Sarah do to help her children? Receptive Listening Is Key When all is calm, Sarah uses her receptive listening skills.
This helps her to hear what the children are feeling and understand their fears.
It is then that she can really start addressing their emotions about the situation.
If you spend more time questioning than listening, children will stop talking.
Sometimes, by just listening to children air out their problems and feelings, the children will come to their own conclusions as to how to handle situations when they arise.
Not only does this empower them for future incidents but it also helps them climb up the ladder to becoming self-actualized people.
It helps them know that they are people, have a voice and deserve to be heard - their feelings and fears are valid and someone loves them enough to really listen to what they are saying.
It demonstrates one of the true meanings of love.
Helping children that have witnessed or experienced abuse is not an overnight process.
It takes much time to teach children the skills that they need to become empowered individuals with high self-esteem and self-worth.
This is just the first step in Sarah's journey with her children.
Next week: Empowerment: Helping Children Become Empowered After Abuse