As a psychotherapist who specializes in working with families around divorce and separation, I get asked regularly how best to help children when parents are separated or divorced.
My first response to parents who are asking these questions is the fact that they recognize how challenging this can be for their children is a great first step! Here are my 10 tips...
1.
Remember, unlike parents, children do not see parents separating as improving their lives.
Most kids always hold out hope that parents will get back together.
2.
Kids need to know and hear that it was not their fault.
It is common for kids to believe that if they were "good enough" their parents would have stayed together.
3.
Kids need to know they are still loved by both parents and extended families.
Many children worry that if you can fall out of love with your spouse, you can fall out of love with your child.
4.
Kids need guidance and support for managing and understanding their behaviour and communicating their unique feelings during the process of divorce.
5.
Support must be given for symptoms of loss/ grief children feel (sadness, anxiety, fear, anger and feeling physically unwell).
6.
Children MUST be protected from adult conflict and issues and instead encourage them to focus on their typical childhood pursuits.
This is the most important factor that can predict poor adjustment for kids.
7.
Try, as much as possible, to minimize the changes and how quickly they happen for children, since predictability and routines help with their adjustment.
8.
Be sensitive, supportive and organized around transitioning from one house to the other since this can be particularly difficult for kids.
Use transition objects to help with comfort such as blankets, stuffies, etc.
9.
Be aware of your own limited capacity as a parent as you are also adjusting to this divorce.
Since this is a time when parents often struggle with their own feelings of loss and change, this commonly makes parents less available for parenting when their kids are most needing them.
10.
Have a Parenting Plan in place based on the current developmental needs of the children that can offer a detailed framework.
Review this plan often to respond to the family's changing needs.
If parents are noticing serious or long-term behaviour changes in their child, such as withdrawal, depression, separation anxiety, poor adjustment when returning from visits, or dramatic changes in a particular area of their life (e.
g.
, academic difficulties, peer or family avoidance or over-involvement) that cannot be explained by normal developmental changes, seek out the help of a mental health professional.
All children benefit from knowing they are loved and still part of their families so give your children permission to love and connect with both parents and extended family members (whenever it is safe to do so).
Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling and adjusting to the separation and provide age-appropriate explanations about divorce (there are many good books available).
The healthiest families place their children's need before their own parental conflicts and issues.
If this is something you are struggling with as parents, seek out support for yourselves rather than risking harm to your children.